Have you found it?  Does it exist? Just when I think I am doing fine, it is made clear that I am not. Let's just cut to the chase. Being the employee/teacher/mother/wife/friend/daughter that everyone is happy with all the time just isn't happening. I guess? How do you make yourself OK with it? From my earliest memories, all I can remember is wanting to please. But at the same time, there are the opposing forces calling for me to stick up for myself. Sometimes it feels like I have 2 choices: make them happy OR do what I think is best for them/stick up for myself.

Is that how it is? Where is the gray area I love so much...where we can both be happy?

I know my sick kiddo requires medicine. Part of life, you know?  Choosing to just not give it to her because she is currently throwing punches and screaming every time it gets near her face would be irresponsible. But I can't explain that to her.

Because I have worked with children my entire life, I know that a tantrum is never solved by giving attention or giving in. It will not stop and the behavior is reinforced. Anyone who took psychology remembers Skinner and behaviorism. Yeah, it sucks to deal with it for 5-10 minutes, but the every time I give in, I am creating a child I do not want her to be. I do not want her to be entitled, in control, or not know how to deal with her emotions when she does not get her way. I could go on and on about this particular topic for days, but I'll stop there.

Work. I have demands. I have 45 "clients" and their parents to keep satisfied. They need to be loved, challenged, safe, and God forbid I forget a birthday crown. It is an awesome job, but there is little room for error. There are daily standards to be met, performance measures to track, paperwork out the yingyang, and having my daughter sick on professional development day did not help me feel like I am "safe" in this area either.

Every individual needs time with friends. I try to see them at least once a month. Is that enough? I don't know if it is in their book, but I sure hope so. The weeks are flying by so fast that it seems like a month goes by pretty quickly. To arrange childcare and be fair to my mom/Matt is not easy. I am walking that line of asking too much. But I miss this part of my life (don't we all?) and again, I feel that internal tug of war between pleasing 3 different parties.

Is it just me?

And the rest of my existence is the everyday CRAP. From the minute I leave work, I am getting groceries, putting them away, cooking dinner, and cleaning. And yes, our house needs cleaned every day because it is small, we have animals and a kid. And it does not clean itself. I have to be careful here because I don't want this to sound like a "rant" or a complaining post. It's not. It is stating that I am a piece of chewing gum that is being stretched in so many directions and feel a destructive guilt as a result.

It's do I find peace with letting someone down almost on an everyday basis (it seems). How do I reconcile that me going out to buy birthday gifts for everyone else DOES take me away from home but what the hell else am I supposed to do?  How do you say "Throw a fit because I gave you milk instead of water" and not be viewed as a mean mom?  Or do I just do what I know is right and have to grow thicker skin?  What do you think?

1 comment:

Schneider 4.0 said...

I'll be sending an email your way :)

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