I woke up at 5:15 this morning with a crushing feeling made up of guilt, panic, and scrambling to try to solve a problem.

Today is my daughter's last day as an only child, and I did not realize this until very late last night when I flippantly said it and suggested we go get doughnuts.

The truth is, now that I think about it during my clearest time of day with no one else around, I have to stop myself from crying every time I type another sentence.

The last 10 days have been hell, as I'm sure I've mentioned. Physically, Baby O's birth cannot get here fast enough. So of course, mentally, I have been affected as well. My mom has stepped in big time to help me with Larkyn when all I can do is lay there and stare at the pile of things that need to be done because moving my body is sometimes just...impossible.  Of course, it's not all day every day. I get half a day's worth of feeling good. But I feel like I haven't used it wisely.

I have been running errands, cleaning, packing, getting things ready for Larkyn's birthday party. I know it is a month away, but invitations, people, invitations!  My patience has been short with her, and she too has been going through some growing pains of her own.

Getting her dressed takes almost 2 people to catch her, a promise of some sort of "special treat" if she gets dressed, and feeling like we've run a marathon when she finally has an ensemble on her body. Bath time all of a sudden results in Child Protective Services-worthy screams and flailing. The nightly routine of sitting on the potty before bed has become a battle of wills that has ended up in peeing all over the floor as soon as we get down from the potty because we "don't have to go".

Do you think she can sense big change is coming? Is this a rebellion of some sort?  As frustrated as I get, I wonder if she really does understand what is about to happen.

Since I woke up, I've wanted to go into her room, scoop her up, and tell her everything. Tell her mommy is sorry for being impatient. For having a "sick belly" so we can't play outside. That I'm still going to love her just as much when I'm busy with the baby and doing things with him during "her" time. Why do I feel like I'm losing her?  I know these are normal feelings but I'm all of a sudden really sad and now, and the tears are full force.

How do we balance them both, so that each child feels loved? What can I do to make her feel like she will always be my heart?

I hear her waking up now. It's going to be a big day...


Nana said...

My sweet are such a sweet mom. I have just been so proud of our last 3 years watching you grow into a wonderful mother. I too watch the daily changes in Larky and sometimes shake my head. She is such a delight and so smart; I also wonder what she will be thinking about with Baby O here. Once again, your writing has reduced me to tears. I love you, and love the mother you have become. There is enough love for two. You're not losing her.

Schneider 4.0 said...

You need to quit blogging when you're so hormonal :)
Remember when you were prego with her and were freaking out about change? well she came and you survived. Now here comes Baby O and again, you will survive (please break into song here). It's completely different with 2, you're right, but you will have special moments with each. Eli always liked when I got out pictures of him when he was a baby and I showed him how I used to give him a bath in the baby tub and how he used to sleep in the crib, etc. He kind of "got it" then. And then he was cooler because he was a big kid. Life will be fine. Trust in God. Trust in yourself.
Psalm 55:22--Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Courtney B said...

I only have one child and I finally understand this fear. I know I will experience these emotions when it comes time to expand our family! But I also know that everything will workout! You won't know how you ever lived without both of your babies!! My friends and family have all told me that the fear disappears when you finally hold your brand new baby. There will still be some adjusting but it will just feel RIGHT! Hope things are going well for you!!

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