Today was my first day back to school. I found myself with my fancy Wendy's breakfast sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out. I was not expecting it at all. I knew I would be the day to day adventures of my kids in this great city, and we have had an emotional summer of completely co-depending on each other. 

But I didn't know I would miss my dad so fiercely in a place in which I thought he was more removed. I can walk into my parent's house and look at his urn, see his desk and it's just there. I see him in photos and I smile and feel a little empty. But for some reason, this morning crushed me. 

I called my friend who is incredibly attuned to these things and who totally saw it coming. "Why am I crying at school?" Because I am starting something without him. He was so proud of me for getting this job. He spent many hours (as teacher dads often do) cutting lamination, building mailboxes, labeling things....he was there. He won't be coming in to read Eve Bunting's The Red Balloon to my students or joining me for lunch every once in a while. 

If there is one thing I can tell you about grief, it is that it comes when you least expect it. For the remainder of the day, I busied myself with writing my kids' names in 32 different places, arranging stuffed book characters, and planning out our year. By the end of the day, there was one thing on my mind. 

Go to the park with the kids. Go to the bench and be with dad. So we did. We were all a little grumpy from a week of transitions, but we needed it. 

Finding fairy houses in the trees, face-planting and the ensuing screams, eating leaves...all of it is therapy. 


Nana said...

You never fail to capture the moment, the laughs, the story. So glad you took some time to take care of YOU. The photos are darling!

Schneider 4.0 said...

You are loved.

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