Bittersweet November


I do love November, really.

I love everything about Thanksgiving, family time, traditions, and gearing up for the holidays. It is also our anniversary on the 18th, and we usually celebrate by going out of town for a getaway. So, there is lots to look forward to. 

But. My dad won't be here for any of it. 

I thought I would be sad on his birthday, but I was OK. It was the first day of school, a first for ME and he wasn't there and I was not OK. Rhys was baptized yesterday and he wasn't there for it. It was also All Saints Sunday, which is a church memorial day to remember all those who passed away since the last All Saints Day. That is what the roses were for...one for me, one for my mom. I chose Rhys' initials to match my dad's, and it was fitting that if he couldn't be there on Sunday, he was remembered in a special way. I kind of feel like those two have a special connection. 

I find myself saying "He would have loved this" all the time. There is so much he is missing, and that is why November will be a tough one for me. Don't even get me started on Veterans Day...that is the day I've been dreading for 4 months. 

So, if it feels like I'm a little "off", I am probably trying to overcompensate with fun to push out the anger and sadness that creep in every SINGLE night around 10:00. When I close my eyes, I see him in the hospital, and my mind chooses where to start the film that plays. Does that stop?

So, like I said, there are some exciting things happening this month and I am going to try to balance those with the huge cavern that is in my chest...it might be a weird month for me. 

2 comments:

Schneider 4.0 said...

I think it's great that you can use this blog as an outlet! Don't hesitate to call me at 10 o'clock though!

Desiree said...

<3 Love you...

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